Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
