my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
