You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
