So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
