Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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