so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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