Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
