Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
