You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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