The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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