I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
