i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
