we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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