Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
