We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
