Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
