M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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