Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think your dad took our porno
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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