So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
