I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I deserve this hangover.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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