Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
