dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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