im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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