i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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