Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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