So drunk its hurt
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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