Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
