i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
