my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
