your parents love me but you hate me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
