it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
