I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
