got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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