I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
