The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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