I think I died a long time ago.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
