for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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