Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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