dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
PANTIES FOUND
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
