I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
