im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
