I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
