You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
