Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
