I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
