I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
