I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
