just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
