we're chasing vodka with high fives
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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