i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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