i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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