Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
