If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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